Two and a Half STD's
by Muten Azuki
Summary: Something which is never thought of in straight or gay pairing fanfics. This is crack. Yaoi fans beware. Pairings...RoyEd, Edvy, Elricest, and a bunch of Roy pairings. Flame Away!
1. Chapter 1

**Two and a half STD's**

It was an extremely bright day. It was so bright, it was disgusting. Enough about the sun, onto the story. Edward Elric is a shorter than average teenage boy who has two automail limbs, a younger brother who he molests daily, and a secret love with his superior. Roy Mustang is an old, pedophilic, gay man who has a burning passion for people with prosthetic limbs. Actually, I think that's called a fetish...

Ed walked up to Roy's door wearing a very big cloak which covered his entire body. It immediately turned to night, because night is sexy.

"Hey sweet thang!" Roy said as he opened his door.

"Ohhh, you make me love you even more every time you say that!" Ed said as he moved his hands in a very feminine manner.

"Did you bring them?"

"I'm already wearing mine!" Ed said as he walked into the door.

"Let me see!" Roy said as Ed pulled the trench coat off. He was wearing a leopard print thong.

"Oooooo, I just envy your beautiful physique. If only I could fit into something as beautiful! You make me so horny!" Roy said as Ed pulled out Roy's new thong which said 'kiss me here sweet thang!' on the crotch.

"I had them custom made! Do you like them?" Ed said as Roy put the thong on.

"I love it! It is so fabulous!"

"I know!"

"Let's make out!"

"Okay!" Ed said as he immediately began eating Roy's face.

"OH MY GOD! IT HURTS! STOP BITTING EDDIEPOO!" Roy said as he flailed his arms in the air.

"Sorry..."

"Hey Ed. What's your biggest dream?"

"I want to get married and have a family." Ed said as his eyes gleamed.

"With a woman?"

"Of course not!"

"Well how will you have a family?"

"I'll get pregnant duh!"

"But you're a guy." Roy said as he laughed.

"So? What's your dream?"

"I wish I could have a twenty-foursome!"

"Wow! Your dream blows mine out of the water!"

"Hehehe...you said blows!"

"Ohhhh, you dirty little bastard! Let's have a gay lemon!"

"Not here!"

"But..."

"Not on the bed! Everyone does that! Bed's are soooo last year! We're going to do the nasty on top of my tv!"

So Roy and Ed had a very sweaty and long gay lemon on the tv. Eventually Ed began to leave.

"I'll see you tomorrow at my place!" Ed said as he walked off in a very *ahem* 'metro' fashion. The next day Ed burst through Roy's front door.

"Hey! You just broke my door! You are sooo not being a sweet thang right now!" Roy said as he took off his 'kiss the cook and then have a lemon with him' apron.

"Do you know what you did to me! DO YOU! I went to the doctor yesterday because I wanted to know if you impregnated me! AND GUESS WHAT!!!!"

"What?"

"YOU GAVE ME A STD!"

"And?"

"That mean's you have other 'sweet thangs'!" Ed said as he spit in Roy's face.

"Of course I don't"

"I'm getting my stuff!" Ed said as he opened Roy's bedroom door. Then he saw. He saw twenty-three people crowded in Roy's bed. Riza, Rose, Fuery, Hohenheim, Breda, Fallman, Havoc, Gluttony, Lust, Father, Hughes, Greed, Sheska, Oliver and Alex Armstrong, Pride, Scar, Kimblee, Maria Ross, Winry, Pinako, Lanfan, and sloth rolling all over each other in Roy's bed.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS! YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH TWENTY-THREE PEOPLE!!!!!" Ed screamed very loudly.

"What? We always do this on Tuesday."

"WE ARE SOOOOOOOOOO OVER!" Ed said as he ran out the house crying.

Ed ran straight to Envy's house. He was his bestest friend ever.

"What's wrong Eddykins?"

"Roy, *sniff* Roy, *sniff* Roy's cheating on me!" Ed said as he began crying again.

"Don't cry. Roy is just one person. You can still find that special person."

"The truth is...I've always loved you Envy!"

"Me too Eddykins!" Envy said as Ed pulled him into a room and forced him to have a gay lemon.

"That was great! I love you Eddykins!" Envy said as he hugged Ed and lifted his leg in a girlish fashion.

"Ohhh! I forgot to tell you! That bastard also gave me an std."

"WHAT?!!!! YOU JUST GAVE ME A STD! I HATE YOU! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I DECIDED TO EAT YOU!"

"Mmmmm, that sounds sexy..."

"I DON'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT! I'LL ACTUALLY EAT YOU!"

So Ed ran home and began to confess to Al.

"It's okay Ed! Let me comfort you by having metal on skin sex! YAY!" Al said as he and Ed began having a gay incestuous lemon on the kitchen floor.

"Hey! Now I have two and a half std's!"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I got one std from Roy, another from Envy, and a half from you!"

"How do you get a half std?"

"Since we're directly related, everything we produce will be mutated. So I figured that we'd call it a half std!"

"Hahahahahahah! I love you big brother!"

"Hah! You said big..."

"Ohhhhh, you dirty bastard!"

**Two and a Half STD's was produced in front of a live audience filled with yaio fangirls. They are all gone now. I think we offended them...oh well!**


	2. Chapter 2

**It's okay If you're not the Fuhrer**

"Yes Riza, you may leave. I'll be done in a few minutes," Roy said in his masculine voice as he watched Riza leave his office.

It had been a long day for Roy. He had burned a few piles of paperwork and listened to some complaints about how the fullmetal alchemist had caused a disturbance again, but neither of these things were his hardest to handle. A few minutes later Ed popped out of nowhere because appearing like a ninja in the night is totally kawaii and yaoirific!

"Oh hey Sweet thang! I thought you'd never appear," Roy said as his orbs of (insert unusuall color here) gleamed.

"Oh, you look so stressed! Let me give you a massage in a very gay manner!" Ed said as he pulled off his clothes revealing a leopard print thong.

"Wait! Lock the door and pull down the blinds!" Roy said frantically.

"Why? You're gay! You're supposed to run around openly stating your sexual preference!"

"Well I would, but I'm still in the closet," Roy said as he looked away from Ed because Roy is obviously the woman in the relationship.

"Roy! Yaoi couples aren't in the closet! Everyone knows! Why do you think there's so much fan fiction? Besides, didn't you have a twentyfoursome in the last chapter. Everyone should know that you're homo by now."

"Well...they were all drunk..."

"WHAT!?" Ed yelled as he smacked his hands on Roy's desk and peered over him.

"I know I'm wrong for taking advantage of drunk people!"

"Oh, I don't care about that. I just don't like men who drink alcohol. Anyways, let me rub your back while we listen to some Elton John." Ed said as he turned on the radio and dimmed the lights. Ed massaged Roy for about ten seconds until he got bored. "Okay, this isn't exciting at all. Yaoi fangirls don't want to see me massaging your back! They came to see a lemon!"

"Not tonight Eddipoo...I don't feel like it," Roy said as he pushed Ed off of him.

"Why not?"

"I don't know if I deserve you."

"Of course you do!"

"But I'm not the Fuhrer yet! We're supposed to have the lemon of a life time after I become the man in charge! That would be the day that I came out of the closet and allowed gay people the right to have civil unions!"

"But I thought we already can..."

"No, the Fuhrer is a homophobe."

"I don't care if you are in charge or not. After all, I like wearing the pants."

"...but you aren't wearing pants right now..."

"Whatever, take yours off while I get the..._stuff_," ed said in a very sexyrific manner...is that a word?

Ed and Roy had a very disturbing lemon in Roy's office for about seven minutes when the door opened.

"Roy!"

**To Be continued! DUM DUM DUUUUUUUM!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Whoa, That's Totally Hot and Kawaii**

Roy and Ed had been mid-lemon when the office door opened. They had been found out. What would become of them? Would they become court martialed? Would they become the next news story? No, it was much worse.

They would become the next internet phenomenon, because outside of the door, was a fangirl.

"Roy! Ed! OMG This is like, ttly awzom!" The fangirl said in a very unusual dialect.

"Oh, crap." Ed said, "Do you know who or what she is?"

"No..." Roy said to Ed as he watched the girl with the licensed clothing ramble and walk around.

"...she's...a fan girl."

"Wait! You mean...this is bad..."

"So, are you guyz liek in luv and stuff, cuz that wuld be ttly kawaii~!" The fangirl exclaimed while she pulled out her phone, "Can, I get a picture?"

Ed turned to Roy and began to whisper into his ear, "This might not turn out to be as bad as we thought...she's into that...what do you call it...yow ee?"

The fangirl took the photo. "OMG! This is going on deviant art, liek today!"

"Are you sure this isn't a bad thing," Roy asked Ed, only to be ignored.

"Wait! I know! U shuld, liek answer some interview questions!" The fangirl said as she pulled out a notebook filled with countless fanfics ready for submission. "I was going to post my 43'd chapter to Mega Awzum Yaio Unlimited, but this is soooo much cooler! Ok! Question 1: R U liek...gay and stuff?"

"Yeah, it's obvious!" Ed said without giving any thought.

"Number 2: Wut do u think of winry, Edo?"

"I think that she's a whiny bitch and that she should back off, 'cause I don't like women!"

"Number 3: Wut do u think about Riza?"

Roy didn't answer.

"Oh, Roy doesn't want to answer your questions."

"Why not?!" The fangirl said in disbelief.

"Cause he doesn't want to come out of the closet until he's the fuhrer."

"WUT!? NO WAI! HE'S LIEK FLAMIN GAY! IT'S OBVIOUS!" The fangirl yelled.

"I'll answer the questions...as long as you don't post them..." Roy said very quietly.

"Oh, don't worry about it! I wuld never go against ur wishes!" The fangirl told Roy in an attempt to gain his trust.

Less, than twenty minutes after the interview was finished, the interview was posted. Roy and Ed lost their jobs, were shunned by the rest of the FMA cast...except garfiel...Hiromu lost her job for making obviously gay characters, and Ed and Roy became Internet sensations.

The end.


End file.
